Man, Oh Man

My heart literally just dropped right now. It feels like it's torn apart... like someone took all my breaths away 'cause... not gonna lie.... i'm kind of having a hard time breathing right now. lol. (i just need to cool down)

--i really don't want to go into depth with why i'm feeling this way... because its not something i want to tell on the internet. because quite frankly, its embarrassing. Sadly, the imaginations and my little made up fantasies that i make up in my head are my worst enemy. They make me believe of those fairy tale, cliche love stories.. and that one day i would be the lucky one and star as the main character of one of those cheesy love stories that you tell to your kids.

But honestly,

These imaginations are what keep me from living my life. It's almost like i look forward to these imaginations as if they are actually going to happen. (Which is a complete let down btw, when others' peoples' lives change. ...and not yours) It's the worst feeling ever. ): I've been put down so many times and I'm tired of it. When is it my turn to feel ..loved?

I think the problem is that i don't have enough faith. I can say I'm very religious.. but that's just all talk. I need to express it. I need to feel it. Feel it within me. I can easily say, I go to mass every Sunday.. I am a peerleader... but am i really part of this big picture with my whole body, mind, and soul? When i think of an answer... i think no. And  thats just pathetic, in my case.

I need to stop with these imaginations/fake-scenarios and actually live life! I can go far in life!

What happened to me, mal? Why am I not giving God my ALL. Why did i change? HOW did i change? I am ashamed of myself. Maybe if i put more faith and trust in Him, my life would be much easier. I need to, I must go back to this place. The place where I am a faithful servant of God.

I need to remember what is important in life. He is important in my life. Once i find God again... and I mean truly find God again and be reconnected with him spiritually again, then i know, and i know for certain that I will find love. and happiness.