Man, Oh Man

My heart literally just dropped right now. It feels like it's torn apart... like someone took all my breaths away 'cause... not gonna lie.... i'm kind of having a hard time breathing right now. lol. (i just need to cool down)

--i really don't want to go into depth with why i'm feeling this way... because its not something i want to tell on the internet. because quite frankly, its embarrassing. Sadly, the imaginations and my little made up fantasies that i make up in my head are my worst enemy. They make me believe of those fairy tale, cliche love stories.. and that one day i would be the lucky one and star as the main character of one of those cheesy love stories that you tell to your kids.

But honestly,

These imaginations are what keep me from living my life. It's almost like i look forward to these imaginations as if they are actually going to happen. (Which is a complete let down btw, when others' peoples' lives change. ...and not yours) It's the worst feeling ever. ): I've been put down so many times and I'm tired of it. When is it my turn to feel ..loved?

I think the problem is that i don't have enough faith. I can say I'm very religious.. but that's just all talk. I need to express it. I need to feel it. Feel it within me. I can easily say, I go to mass every Sunday.. I am a peerleader... but am i really part of this big picture with my whole body, mind, and soul? When i think of an answer... i think no. And  thats just pathetic, in my case.

I need to stop with these imaginations/fake-scenarios and actually live life! I can go far in life!

What happened to me, mal? Why am I not giving God my ALL. Why did i change? HOW did i change? I am ashamed of myself. Maybe if i put more faith and trust in Him, my life would be much easier. I need to, I must go back to this place. The place where I am a faithful servant of God.

I need to remember what is important in life. He is important in my life. Once i find God again... and I mean truly find God again and be reconnected with him spiritually again, then i know, and i know for certain that I will find love. and happiness.

I kinda like to keep a low profile...

Is that so wrong?

Back on Tumblr

I actually have nothing to do. Oy, this is going to be a long month... I needa find me a job!

Getting Pretty Sleepy BUT

still making time for this!

whatd i do today? why thank you for asking. i woke up pretty late today.... 11am to be exact.. had to leave the house by 12 ish.. to go to the mall and then go to church for a toys for tots event that i volunteered for. Which happen to be very successful! i ate breakfast.. ALONE.. because i woke up late. hahah So i ended up leaving at like 1220.. had to get gas.. so i literally entered the freeway at 12;28.. because idk.. i just remember it.. hahah... so i went to the mall.. and parking was a biznatch. ): but i eventually found parking.. and i went to forever and bought a gift for my friend. which happened to be the last gift that i had to buy thank goodness. so i left the mall at 1:03.. because idk.. i remember that specific time as well.... uhm ended up making it to church at around 1:10... i think? idk.. i actually just guessed that time. i think i got there at 1:15.. oh well. so i stayed there till 3. helped be a "Shopper" for the moms and dads choosing gifts for their children. Thought that was the cutest thing ever.

 Parents who have a hard time financially.. have a place to go.. just so their children could have a nice Christmas. And we have the catholic congregation to thank for this. All of their donations is what made this day possible for them, so it made me smile for the day (:

Also made me think that The youth ministry is really working their way to making a difference in our community.. for once... i'd say it was all Brother Andrew... i feel like he doesn't get enough credit for what he has done.. but leading this youth group was a big step in the growth of our faith. Thought that was really cool.

OKAYYY, and going back to my day.. i went to walmart afterwards.. cause i had to buy some last minute things... and so i didnt want to be out too late.. cause idunno. didnt really feel like being out.. haha.. so then i went home. yadda yadda. we ate dinner. after din din.. my bro, sis, and i made a ginger bread house! awesome i know! well it was a first, so it was pretty cool. i have pictures in my camera.. so i'll hopefully post some up later! if i remember. blah, basically thats it.. well thats waht i did.. that was out of the ordinary.. or atleast i'd say! idk.. im kinda done for typing right now. i'm tired. hahah and this was alot of typing. POOOOOP. (reminds me of those late nights with a paper due the next day) POOOOPER. HAHA ok well goodnight! BYE (:

LOL "studying"

with Erica & JC

...fail

Video Chatting w. The Fools.

They are some awesome people <3
What would I be without them in my life? haha

just a few pictures of our crazy video chat days/nights

hihihii

Miscellaneous Pics!

A Day.. well Night at Chuck E. Cheese. With the sister. for a birthday party (: haha look at the third guy from the top! who is that!! 

Nail Polish Lovers Unite!! 

Pretty Cool huh? is this in my other blog? it should beeeee

HOT PEPPERMINT COCOA. see the candy cane? clever, i know! hahaha but really. it was so yummmmmmmy

This was just so fucking hilarious. 

SINUOUSSSSSS. A pretty addicting game. I play this all the time in the library. hahhaa

Ain't she a beauty! yup that's my sister... oh dear 

yeah i want to put her twice. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH

after i finished my english 101 presentation

before i worked on my english 101 presentation

lalala

After a Little Sleep...

Procrastination Sucks

I didn't even notice my sister until i rewatched the sister... i guess i was in my own little world for those two minutes! Insane stuff is happening right now, shouldnt even be doing this haha! oh dear...

My Stomach Was Hungry

...that's why i ahd a major headache! MAL, be safe when dieting!!

Friday Blues

Lesson Learned: Participate in college classes from now on. PLEASE MAKE A NOTE OF THAT IN MY HEAD OR STAMP IT ON MY FOREHEAD.

Participation in high school vs. participation in college is so different. ):

EFFFFFFF. my bio and poli sci grade are suffering because of it. ugh

What I Did Today..

(that was out of the usual)

Listened to Winter Wonderland by Jason Mraz.
Left for school.
Went to Bath and Body Works
Went to Velvet Cupakes.
Home.
Listened to WInter Wonderland by Jason Mraz.
Ate cupcake ):

Tried on dress.
Couldn't breathe in dress ):
Listened to Winter Wonderland by Jason Mraz.
Did my nails.

Listened to Winter Wonderland by Jason Mraz.
LOL, catchin' my drift?
Anyways,
Writing this blog, while listening to...

(: 

COC post

at COC. Doing nothing. Well, I'm supposed to be writing my english journals. i have 7 to do. but I'm not really feeling it.. I really just want to take a nap.. which is something I am highly considering. alright boring life. BYE

Char Came Over Today! =]

So Today is Pretty Significant

1. It's Veteran's Day
2. It's a Friday with no school.
and
3. Today is November 11, 2011

11/11/11

My sister and i basically fail at life. We missed our epic wish at 11:11 in the morning. And just now we missed our last chance to have an epic wish on 11:11 at night. I'm not as bummed, but my sister on the other hand.. is pretty sad. haha i kind of find it funny! But sorry murl! i didn't mean to distract you! (we were singing!) hahaha
HER EXPRESSION: 9for the following 5 minutes, after 11:11pm)

Trying This Out... Slideshow of Pictures... Hopefully This Works....

FAIL.
2nd attempt: FAIL
3rd TIMES A CHARM. *crosses fingers. YESSSSSS !#$%^&*()

Buhoks

Why Do I Always Make A Fool Out Of Myself?

Is there ever a day where I don't? jakjflkjdsklfjaslkdjfioajflksd

That's What Makes You Beautiful!

I Just Know That

starting next semester, i am going to try and be home as less as possible. going to try and take night classes so i'm not home as much. and i'll take mostly afternoon classes. That would be ideal. But i know that will never happen, because i WANT morning classes, even though i hate being home.

i just want to go off to university already and dorm. and LEAVE. Idk how people do it.

What. The. Kcuf.

So my essay is due tmrw. you know i always procrastinate. do whatever occupies my time so i dont have to write my essay. HAHA. so i decided, HEY im going to curl my hair. so im curling my hair. and i see a strand of hair that stands out a little. it looks a little shiny. Little did i know, IT WAS A FREAKING GRAY HAIR. what. the. fcuk. ): akdjfkaj and its like mid way past my hair so its been growing for a while. gahhh sad life. for sure. i need to stop stressin; for real. 

It Was a Good Morning! NOVEMBER 1 POST

Thanks for waking me up today Jonn. I really didn't want to let our carpool down by oversleeping again.

i was in disbelief that i actually woke up. yes. my alarm went on. but, i rarely wake up with my alarm, and today i did. i dont' know if it was just "one of those days." where i magically wake up, but i'm happy to hear that you were listening to me Jonn, that was the proof. and that is what i am going to believe. Because even though you're not HERE with all of us right now, you're here in spirit. Thanks for listening (: 


Right before I slept last night, i prayed. I prayed to God, to Mama Mary that He help me throughout all the problems i am dealing with today;; debut. School. friends. just everything. I know He is listening. I also prayed to you, Jonn. I know youre up there watching over all of us. <3

Happy Hallows!

Why hello there! Today is Halloween! obvs. I went to class today. Talked to D and M after class. Totally panicked.. why does that always happen to me. Why can't i just keep my cool. Oh, thats right... i can't keep my cool, because i am not cool. lOl jk, no but really. i am not cool. look at the picture below. haha

...yeah

 Mother, kinda got on my nerves today. She's been getting on my nerves a lot lately. Well now that it's 12:02 at midnight. its not really Halloween anymoreee. ): but Debut planning is just so stressful. more updates on that later... but as of right now.. things are just not going my way. sounds bratty. and trust me i try not to be. but i jsut want things done the right way. my way. haha but whatevs ... can't really do anything it!!

I stopped by Target after my class, and i was going ot buy some make up and some candy for tonight. AND guess how much candy was at target. 7-10 bucks. like what the fluck. those bastards raised their prices on the day of halloween, cause they know lazy and lastminute people like me will buy candy for tonight. gah, makes me angry. I ended up not buying that shiiiii. I went to walmart for the cheaps candyyy But on a brighter note, i got a buttload of makeup. 20 dollars worth dudee. it was basically all e.l.f. suppplies. cause i've always wanted to try it out. So i bought, I DONT REMEMBERRRR. bleh. it was alot tho.. ahha

  So a few hours ago, we had trick or treaters come! and the first 2 or 3 trick or treaters were cute witto kids, in their little costumes. ahh i just remember myself, being one of those kids myself. ajdkfjakdjfkaj SHO CUTE. but after those first couple little kids, then the teenagers began to come, and let me tell you, their costumes were not the business. pathetic. lol

 After the majority of the trick or treaters came, the bnp fatima group came over. We prayed the rosary for mama mary. very nice (: and then we ate. not gonna lie, i ate 3 plates of rice and menudo. THAT IS WAY MORE THAN I EAT. idk why i was so hungry today. but thank goodness we have left over crepes, because every packed baun... and they left us with nothing. they are vultures. lolll

and now i'm here. blogging. ready to go to sleep soon. because i'm sleepy. and i have a headache. and there just a lot on my mind right now. not fun. ): Prayers! goodnight!

Saturday October 29th

IDK Why i Decided to Take Pictures On This Day

I'm a loser

I HAVE CHUBBY CHEEKS. NOOO. DIET STARTS NOW.

FAMILY. SCHOOL. TV. EAT. SLEEP. SCHOOL. SCHOOL. SCHOOL.

nothin' really goin' on here.... 


Give me some change please? i'm in great need of it. 


(oh look, change! I'm using a different color) woop dee doo


but really... LIFE, give me SOMETHING that can occupy my time, besides what's listed above! please? haha i need change. i hate my routine life! i want to be more productive! 

Christmas at Disneyland

just sounds perfect! Doesn't it?! Or maybe atleast, winter-time at disneyland. That's more realistic <3

One day, I'll go. And I'll have the time of my life!

Things Are Getting Better... (:

I Hate Being On My Period

SO, i was at my house... and i was hungry. we have no food because we jsut got a new fridge. so i left and drove to ameci's to get pizza.

normally i would never do this. i would jsut stay at home. but eff it. i was hungry!

ate some ice cream. from ameci's! BUT IT WAS THRIFTY'S ICECREAM! YUMM! Chocolate malted crunchhh <3

PIZZA. YUM! it almost fell of the plate when i took that picture LOLL. ok BYEEEE.

Took my eng 091 final. and owned it. Got a 100%.. but guess what i forgot to do, write my name! LOL, i'm sure this has happened to alot of us. haha But yayy super happy. eng 101 started today, hope this class will go well and fly by. 

Still shocked. never have i ever gotten a hundred percent on any kind of final in any subject until today.

Last Night in the Car

..I have never wanted to punch someone in the face so much, until last night. want a clue into who this person might be?

Well, yesterday we went to the venue where my debut would be at. the place they have reserved is alright. nice and quaint, but the lady had to show us UPSTAIRS. Upstairs had its own lobby entrance, own patio for cocktails, HUGE dance space and dining area. upstairs was gorgeous, but thats not for me. too expensive, sadly.

After that we went to ontario, to talk to an attorney.. wonder who's idea that was?! Lets just say that, that was definitely not fun and was in fact a torture for murl and i. ):

Then we drove to irvine, for.. i have no effing clue. all we did was pick him up, give him food, and then go get in n out to-go. and then drop him off to his apartment. I'd say it was a waste a gas. they don't know how to effing plan shit. but whatevs. i had no control over anything.

and then after that, we went back to ontario. WOOP DEE DOO. to watch a concert. quite frankly, i was way too tired to do anything, even if it was just sitting down and listening to ate sing. i just wanted to go home.

ugh, and as of right now: Monday morning: i am still annoyed. i am not in a good mood. i just dont want to be here at all.

Why Does It Feel Like So Many Families Are Breaking Up?

Fights between parents have been happening way too often. So many of my friends' parents are getting separated and divorced. Including my family. It's a terrible hardship that many of us have to deal with. Disregarding the circumstances within each family... it's just not something you want to go through. It's very disheartening, to know that this type of stuff happens everyday, especially to most of my friends.

Why is the divorce rate in  America going up?

What is wrong with you people. Family is the most important thing a person can have in their life. Why do people take that for granted?

It's not fair. I envy those who still have a wonderful family unit. I envy you guys. But i'm also happy for you, better yet, kudos to you! I can only hope that one day i will be as happy as the very few families like that.

Without family, i feel, that you have no life. Family is what keeps you together. Well at least, that's what it's supposed to be for. I just wish people can cherish the value of family and the precious moments they have together. Because i would kill for a "perfect" family. I could honestly say, i had a perfect family. until certain things happen. Shit happens. Though a perfect family doesn't really exist anymore in today's society. It freaks me out about the future. I wish i can find that special guy that won't leave me, that will take care of me, that will support me, that will love me. It's hard to find nowadays.

One day it will happen. I see myself in the future. Happy. Successful. Wife. Kids. Job. Love. The whole package. I'm striving for it. Blogger, hold me up to this.

Was Supposed To Do This, Last Weekend,

BUT, my procrastination kills me. Now, i'm stuck doing everything on this list today! This was supposed to be a my relax day, no class= good life. but stupid me, didn't do homework on the weekend.

I just never learn. ):

Why Can't I Focus?!

There is just SO many things going on in my mind. It's giving me a headache. I've been thinking about a lot of things just from today alone. Yes, most of these thoughts are just silly, unnecessary thoughts but they are still consumed within my mind. And it just needs to go away. ...for the mean time. lol cause I really need to do my hw.

I am going crazy right now, i just wish i could write about it. But i don't know why.. i'm not comfortable just yet to write about this, Maybe i'm a little self-conscious, that this could easily be found since we are talking about the internet. hahah -____-

Maybe it's cause all of this is about boys. How embarrassing would this be if someone read this?! so yawwp, defintely not posting anything about this. loll i'lll write everything, and then backspace it. haha.. YAY

...

That helped greatly.
stupid boys. get out of my mind.
and
just life's hardships in general. get out of my life!

oyyy, what did i get myself into...

So i had this little mantra...

written on October 1, 2011 in one of my notebooks... saying. i will use my invisalign teeth whitener every night (because i get too lazy to use it.) its a tedious job. or maybe i'm just lazyy. anywayssss, my brother has the teeth whitener, and i noticed that his teeth DO look whiter, so it kinda inspired me to use it every night. i already stopped using it. and its october 5th. WHAT THE EFFFF,
and i also had this little thing, where i told my self that i would run every morning after i dropped off sister. but that didnt work out either. i havent even ran once. this sucks. i have an excuse though! ... i had an essay to write on mon, so i got 3 hours of sleep. and then today i wwent to the library in the morning to finish some hw. gosh this is not fun anymore. i'm tired all of the time! but hopefully by tmrw things will be a little lessed stressed.

ok well the point of this was just to say that my mantra kinda went out the window. bye bye

Found my retainer

Thoughts During Math 103

Unsettling...
Time: 2:25-4:50 pm ):
[[written in my math notes]]

Mal mal is so so sleep. why am i in this class right now. why, why? biggest regret ever. for sure.

why is a teacher. like im sorry but this is jusut ridiculous, what was i thinking?! [i mean honestly. he knows what he's talking about, he is really good at math. practically has the whole textbook memorized, but he is not being a good teacher. he is not properly teaching us how to do these problems, and yes it is college algebra. i thought itd be easy, but i dont know why i'm not understanding it. its been a while. but c'mon. its ALGEBRA!] can i please blame it on the fact that this is my first semester in college, so i didnt know better? haha prolly not. this is so effed up. seriously.

i dont know. i dont care. lol jk. i do care. really, i do but this class is just super buggin'. [its getting on my last nerves] especially right now, seriously i dont have the time for this. maybe i can handle is, i just have to study more more more.

speaking of studying. it is seriously time for to study for my test tmrw.

I lost my retainer

and i only have one pair left. wtf

It's Amazing

how a mood can change in a day. I'm still kinda malungkut about all of this. but i know i need to move on. there are things that i can never forgive him for, but life goes on. i cant hold that grudge about him. that leads me no where. honestly.

and my feelings have been so distorted lately. i dont know what to think. i dont know how to feel. i, just dont know what to do. this is been going on for too long, that i just want to forget about all of it.

I'm glad he is still here, trying to make up for all the mistakes he has done in the past. but that was his choice. its biting him in the ass right now. i guess i should be thankful tho right? though he did "abandon" us by cheating on my mom, and supposedly having another family. he genuinely cares about us. well, i hope he does? why else would he still stick around. why would he help fix our cars? give us allowance? help around the house problems? if he didnt care about us, he wouldve let us altogether. like i mean, relaly ABANDON us and have no contact with us whatsoever,

am i giving him the benefit of the doubt? ...ithink so

part of me thinks, if he cared about us, i mean REALLY cared about us... why did he have to cheat. Why did he have to leave us? Oh here we go again i need to get over this.

On a brighter note,

i dont have class tmrw! woohoo. stay home wednesday =]

Not So Great Day, Make That Week

My dear friend Jonn Flath passed away on Friday ):
Dad actually filed the divorce on my mom. after 2+ years yesterday.
+++++AND TO MAKE THINGS EVEN WORSE
All of my songs, photos, movies, shows got deleted from my ipod.

[[going to talk in depth about each and everyone of these, but not right now.. don't have the time]]

My mom is so funny.

we were laughing hysterically. This was after chars 18th bday party .it was soo fun. and im so tired. my toe hurts ):

In tribute,

Jonn Flath, you were always such a nice person with a kind heart. We were finally introduced to one another senior year of high school, so i almost knew nothing about you. But that doesn't change the fact that you were in my life. I have this weird feeling in me, that i've never felt before. I've never actually experienced someone relatively close to me, pass away.

(I mean yes, my Uncle passed away years ago.. but this is different. I've never met or spoken to my uncle.. it was tragic that he passed away as well, but i was around 8 years old when this happened).

I'm much older now, and this feeling is so unreal. I know we weren't best friends, and we didnt talk much at all. But when we did talk, when you told me that you were going to COC for two years, because your plans in the Air Force didn't work out, and that you would join the Air Force as soon as they would let you... that stuck by me. I knew that you were dedicated and you will do anything to excel in all that you do. But you didn't leave this world empty handed. There are countless of people with memories imprinted in their hearts, and they have you to thank for that. It kills me to know that i just saw you a few days ago.. i think it was tuesday. I remember it clearly. i was sitting in the student center finishing up my essay. it was around 8am or 9am. i look up and you walk out the bookstore. It's odd, i don't actually see THAT many people from WR in COC, shocking i know. but there you were. It was great seeing you! you were so happy, too bad we only got to say a few words to each other. But i want to thank you.

You made me realize one very important thing in life, that i never really considered until today. You know that corny little saying, "Life is too short. You never know what's going to happen." This very moment has taught me that life IS too short. i can't be wasting time on whatever ive been doing. i need to make a change in my life. Thank you Jonn. I will always remember you, prayers go out to you and your family forever!

RIP Jonn Flath (: forever in our hearts.

This morning,

i was seriously having problems with this bow hair piece. Which side of the head does it go on?!?!? it looks silly either way...




Quick Recap of my night:
-fell asleep from like 1am-330am.
-watch marathons of friends again till 530
-HAD A TERRIBLE STOMACH ACHE
-woke up mother at 400, cause it hurt so much
-toilet.
-cried
-drank warm milk
-went back to sleep till 6
-dropped off sister.
-stomach still hurts kinda
-fb, tumblr, ms(hehehe) the usual.
-finished my first college english in the morning.
-got ready.
-yup.

Before night time:
-had class? english
-ate at olive garden with char and lauren
-endless pasta bowls. & on top of that... unlimited salad and breadsticks..
-STOMACH ACHE LATER. akdjfajsdfkjadk

Why, why why

have i not been posting?! ): i apologize. i need to learn to go to this "online diary" whenever i need to talk or vent.. but i end up jsut keeping it inside and dealing with it till i move on. but gah. i've jsut been so busy actually, but i have finally made some free time (:

So, as you may know, this is my first real semester at college... let me emphasize that its a community college. it honestly just feels like summer. everyday. exept there are a few random classes here and there. its definitely nothing new. i'm really bummed that i dont get to experience being a freshman in college. i feel left out. most of my friends are meeting new people, buying dorm stuff, moving away... i never really realized that it's going to be a totally different atmosphere to them, that it is for me now. anyways, i just wanted to say how i felt.. itll phase over. i just need to THINK of why i went to coc, and that that was the best choice for me... (THOUGH, if i went to csun... it would be semi- the same right? ..atleast i wouldve made new friends & i wouldve gone to the smae school as some of my close friends... blah im just thinking to myself again.) i went to coc to get my pre reqs done, even though i dont know where i'm transfering to yet.. i have a few schools in mind but... i dont knwo for sure which college is best for me. kadkfjakjfakdfjadskfjk. life sucks. well for now it does... hahah ok i need to do poli sci homeworkk. i'm so sleepy. askdfjak 4 chapters to read. wtf. byeeeee

Now,

i'm just posting random photos. haha im bored. it's 6am. well 6:14:48 am. im kind of sleepy.. but i want to watch Boy Meets World. Im done with my essay... well im pretty sure im done. I'll reread it through one mroe time and then i'll be good. but idk when i wanna read it. blah im so lazy. everythign about this classs is so intense. all the discussions are too complex for my little brain idk how these people can hold a discussion for like 30 minutes. its amazing and insane at the same time. its okay tho. today is tuesday, and tomorrow is the last day of class. WOOOOHOOO. and the teacher changed her grading scale (i kept typing school wtf) but yeah she changed it, so i can miss at most 30 to still have an a in the class. i really hope i get an A in this class. i deserve it... well i think i desreve. i pay attention in class. i actually go to class!! but then again, i never finish the readings ): nor do i participate in class (only when im called on)... its just that these other people are so smart, i dont want to sound stooopeh. and plus she never calls me on me anyways. woo. she prolly doesnt even know my name -__- whatevs its sociology 200 OVER SUMMER. 5 weeks went by fast. now i have to.. well want to make notecards for the final tmrw. gotta ace ittttt ! and i'll actually ty reading the material. thanks!

Oh and prayer works! i was able to push through with writing this essay... well less stress than usual. it works! just a few minutes of prayer can save you hours of worry and stress in the long run. keeping considerable amounts of faith in the back of your head is what you need to go on with your life! i feel blessed. thank you lord. mama mary. Thank you for your graces!

I think this is so cute

THE END

Esther is cray-cray

ap calc days when people would take my mac whenever they wanted and wrote letters on my stickies.. or take pictures

It's Our

MapleStory Adventures Family on facebook. hehehehehe i love this

Kuya actually took pcitures with me.

But he did throw stuff at me and mess up every pictureee ):

3 days after...

august 8, 2011

My Hand-Made Vase

I Had Really

bushy eyebrows... and back then i didnt care. oh my... i should have tho.. look at those caterpillars.


even muriel^^^^ lullz







these are such old pictures aww