I lost my retainer

and i only have one pair left. wtf

It's Amazing

how a mood can change in a day. I'm still kinda malungkut about all of this. but i know i need to move on. there are things that i can never forgive him for, but life goes on. i cant hold that grudge about him. that leads me no where. honestly.

and my feelings have been so distorted lately. i dont know what to think. i dont know how to feel. i, just dont know what to do. this is been going on for too long, that i just want to forget about all of it.

I'm glad he is still here, trying to make up for all the mistakes he has done in the past. but that was his choice. its biting him in the ass right now. i guess i should be thankful tho right? though he did "abandon" us by cheating on my mom, and supposedly having another family. he genuinely cares about us. well, i hope he does? why else would he still stick around. why would he help fix our cars? give us allowance? help around the house problems? if he didnt care about us, he wouldve let us altogether. like i mean, relaly ABANDON us and have no contact with us whatsoever,

am i giving him the benefit of the doubt? ...ithink so

part of me thinks, if he cared about us, i mean REALLY cared about us... why did he have to cheat. Why did he have to leave us? Oh here we go again i need to get over this.

On a brighter note,

i dont have class tmrw! woohoo. stay home wednesday =]

Not So Great Day, Make That Week

My dear friend Jonn Flath passed away on Friday ):
Dad actually filed the divorce on my mom. after 2+ years yesterday.
+++++AND TO MAKE THINGS EVEN WORSE
All of my songs, photos, movies, shows got deleted from my ipod.

[[going to talk in depth about each and everyone of these, but not right now.. don't have the time]]

My mom is so funny.

we were laughing hysterically. This was after chars 18th bday party .it was soo fun. and im so tired. my toe hurts ):

In tribute,

Jonn Flath, you were always such a nice person with a kind heart. We were finally introduced to one another senior year of high school, so i almost knew nothing about you. But that doesn't change the fact that you were in my life. I have this weird feeling in me, that i've never felt before. I've never actually experienced someone relatively close to me, pass away.

(I mean yes, my Uncle passed away years ago.. but this is different. I've never met or spoken to my uncle.. it was tragic that he passed away as well, but i was around 8 years old when this happened).

I'm much older now, and this feeling is so unreal. I know we weren't best friends, and we didnt talk much at all. But when we did talk, when you told me that you were going to COC for two years, because your plans in the Air Force didn't work out, and that you would join the Air Force as soon as they would let you... that stuck by me. I knew that you were dedicated and you will do anything to excel in all that you do. But you didn't leave this world empty handed. There are countless of people with memories imprinted in their hearts, and they have you to thank for that. It kills me to know that i just saw you a few days ago.. i think it was tuesday. I remember it clearly. i was sitting in the student center finishing up my essay. it was around 8am or 9am. i look up and you walk out the bookstore. It's odd, i don't actually see THAT many people from WR in COC, shocking i know. but there you were. It was great seeing you! you were so happy, too bad we only got to say a few words to each other. But i want to thank you.

You made me realize one very important thing in life, that i never really considered until today. You know that corny little saying, "Life is too short. You never know what's going to happen." This very moment has taught me that life IS too short. i can't be wasting time on whatever ive been doing. i need to make a change in my life. Thank you Jonn. I will always remember you, prayers go out to you and your family forever!

RIP Jonn Flath (: forever in our hearts.

This morning,

i was seriously having problems with this bow hair piece. Which side of the head does it go on?!?!? it looks silly either way...




Quick Recap of my night:
-fell asleep from like 1am-330am.
-watch marathons of friends again till 530
-HAD A TERRIBLE STOMACH ACHE
-woke up mother at 400, cause it hurt so much
-toilet.
-cried
-drank warm milk
-went back to sleep till 6
-dropped off sister.
-stomach still hurts kinda
-fb, tumblr, ms(hehehe) the usual.
-finished my first college english in the morning.
-got ready.
-yup.

Before night time:
-had class? english
-ate at olive garden with char and lauren
-endless pasta bowls. & on top of that... unlimited salad and breadsticks..
-STOMACH ACHE LATER. akdjfajsdfkjadk

Why, why why

have i not been posting?! ): i apologize. i need to learn to go to this "online diary" whenever i need to talk or vent.. but i end up jsut keeping it inside and dealing with it till i move on. but gah. i've jsut been so busy actually, but i have finally made some free time (:

So, as you may know, this is my first real semester at college... let me emphasize that its a community college. it honestly just feels like summer. everyday. exept there are a few random classes here and there. its definitely nothing new. i'm really bummed that i dont get to experience being a freshman in college. i feel left out. most of my friends are meeting new people, buying dorm stuff, moving away... i never really realized that it's going to be a totally different atmosphere to them, that it is for me now. anyways, i just wanted to say how i felt.. itll phase over. i just need to THINK of why i went to coc, and that that was the best choice for me... (THOUGH, if i went to csun... it would be semi- the same right? ..atleast i wouldve made new friends & i wouldve gone to the smae school as some of my close friends... blah im just thinking to myself again.) i went to coc to get my pre reqs done, even though i dont know where i'm transfering to yet.. i have a few schools in mind but... i dont knwo for sure which college is best for me. kadkfjakjfakdfjadskfjk. life sucks. well for now it does... hahah ok i need to do poli sci homeworkk. i'm so sleepy. askdfjak 4 chapters to read. wtf. byeeeee